My mom's name is Janette, and she is an amazing cook. I might technically know a little more about certain spices and grilling stuff, and booze (definitely know more about booze), but that woman puts on the most magical Christmas meal, desserts too.
I found something out about myself--I will NEVER care enough about pie to try to make one from scratch. Pie is tasty and all, but other people will always do it better, and my God, it is a lot of effort. Even my mom buys pies from the store now. The world's best homemaker is tired of doing that shit herself.
I'm not going to go on about her stuffing or her ridiculous sour cream potatoes (which I make twice a year for Jesus holidays), but her desserts are simply sublime. These aren't really even desserts, they're candy. Easiest first: FUDGE.
People say easy as pie? I call bullshit, let's start a movement among the proletariat to change the phrase to easy as fudge. This is something even I can't screw up. I made a batch last night when I was despondent during a 49ers ass-handing, courtesy of the Chargers. It was ugly. However, if you follow the rules of fudge, you win. Period. No chance needed.
Ingredients:
1 12 oz can PET milk. I don't know if it's evaporated or condensed, just look for the PET can.
4.5 cups granulated sugar
18 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 sticks salted butter
1 7 oz jar marshmallow creme
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup chopped nuts of your choosing (completely optional)
First thing you have to do is work up a boil. Throw in the PET milk and the sugar. Yes, all of it. Trust me, the 12 oz of weird yellow milk stuff will absorb all of the sugar if you keep stirring.
Once it comes to a boil, keep it there for six minutes. Stir it, continuously. Do not move. Do not pass go. Just keep stirring it.
After six minutes, take it off of the heat and add the butter, chocolate chips, and marshmallow creme. Stir it up until homogeneous. Then, add the vanilla and the nuts.
Throw it into a non-reactive pan and refrigerate. This will make more fudge than you'll EVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH, so give liberally.
In sadder news, I am so ashamed at the fact that I have turned some of my friends into total crackheads for my toffee. Once again, it's my mom's recipe, but the technique on this is a little trickier, and it's a little less fool-proof. Everybody equip your safety goggles and fire-proof gloves, and let's begin!
Ingredients:
1 cup salted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
12 oz. chocolate chips (I always use Ghiradelli. Milk or semi-sweet? It's up to you.)
Enough chopped nuts to thinly cover a 8" by 10" surface (I'd guess?)
Approx. 1 tsp kosher salt
Approx. 1 tsp vanilla extract
The trickiest part here is the manufacturing of the toffee itself. This requires a little prep work. Before you even THINK of heating up the butter, grab a cookie sheet. Line it with foil. Spread out the nuts (huh, huh uhuhuh), and sprinkle on a little kosher salt, like 1/4 tsp. Trust me, this is good stuff.
Prepare your chocolate chips, too. Grab a spatula for spreading purposes.
Go to the bathroom, grab a beer, put your hair up. Everybody comfortable? Ok! Let's go.
Oh, and I don't recommend doing this in a shirt that you're fond of. Butter splatters, ya know?
I don't mean to keep building this up, but this is a bit tricky. It's not rocket science or anything, but it's easy to screw up.
Ok. Get your biggest sauce pan. Make sure that there is absolutely no moisture anywhere on or in the pan before you get started. Grab a whisk. Same thing. Shake that shit out, blow dry it, I don't care. Any water will screw this up, trust me, I know from experience.
Turn the burner on HIGH. Place the pan on the burner.
Bone dry pan, bone dry whisk, time for some butter. Dump in two sticks of salted butter. I tend to add sugar toward the end of the butter-melting process in order to speed up the process, but once you add the sugar, there is no going back.
Add the sugar in two, 1/2 cup dumps. Whisk frantically. Think of making a roux, but more urgent. It's all in the wrist. If you've never made a roux, then watch somebody do it, or come over to my house one time when I'm making toffee. I'll show you. It's more technique than recipe at this point.
I can't tell you how long this goes on because I've never actually paid attention to how much time it takes. It is probably like three minutes, but it feels like an hour. I know when the candy is done by smell and color. The house starts to smell like, well, toffee, and the molten-hot sugar butter in front of you is ever-so slightly darker than the Tan color in a box of crayons.
Once you get this effect, take it off of the heat. Add about a teaspoon of salt, and whisk it to combine. Then, add the vanilla, and whisk it again. When you add the vanilla, you are at great risk to break the operation. I still freak out every time at this stage. You just have to vigilantly whisk and whisk and fucking whisk until it's molten again.
No matter how much you want to, do not touch the toffee, it is probably 400 degrees at this point, and it will hurt you if it comes into contact with skin. However, it would make a great impromptu weapon against intruders.
OK! Time to add toffee to nuts. Do not dump, rather drizzle the toffee over the nuts until they are covered by toffee. Scrape out the remaining goodness with a spatula as your mixture should be cool enough as to not melt plastic at this point. Oh yeah, make sure you use a metal whisk during the cooking process, and don't forget to scrape the bottom of the pan frequently with said whisk. OK! I think I've covered the common sense portion of this lesson.
Once the toffee is on the nuts, dump the chocolate chips over the toffee. The residual heat from the fattening hell candy will melt it. Spread it out with a spatula to get out the lumps. Stick it in the fridge for a few hours. Break it up with your hands and share with your friends, or save it in the freezer to eat by yourself on those lonely, lonely nights.
Time for bed, I have to work. When I get around to it: Janette's peanut butter squares, something that I made for the first time tonight, and I think they're going to be pretty damn awesome when they're cooled off. So long as Sean doesn't attack them in the middle of the night.
